A situationship is exactly what the name implies: a romantic situation that isn't quite a relationship. You see each other regularly, there's physical intimacy, you might talk every day — but no one has said what this is, and the question of what it is has been carefully avoided by both parties.
The word is new but the dynamic is not. What's changed is how common it's become. App-based dating has made it structurally easier to maintain ambiguous connections — you can be "talking to" five people simultaneously with no obligation to define any of it. The cultural shift toward delaying commitment has made ambiguity feel normal rather than a problem to solve.
This article doesn't take the position that situationships are always wrong. It takes the position that most people are in them without having chosen them clearly — and that the difference matters.
Why situationships form
Fear of rejection or being "too much"
The most common origin: one or both people want more but are afraid to say so in case the other person doesn't. So nothing is said, and the situation continues in a holding pattern that serves neither person's actual needs.
One person wants more, one person is enjoying the ambiguity
The person with less invested benefits from the arrangement — they get connection and intimacy without commitment. They don't define it because not defining it is in their interest. They may not even be aware of this consciously.
Genuine ambivalence that's being extended rather than resolved
Sometimes neither person is sure. They like each other but aren't certain, and the situationship continues because it feels lower-stakes to keep things loose while they figure it out. This is the version most amenable to honest conversation — because the ambivalence is real, not an avoidance tactic.
Structural convenience
Location, timing, life circumstances — someone moving, a job in flux, a recent breakup — can produce a shared understanding that "now isn't the time" without either party ever choosing ambiguity explicitly. Situations like this often continue long past when the structural excuse expired.
"The talking stage has become a permanent residence for a generation afraid of clarity."
— Niobe Way, developmental psychologist, Boston University, Deep SecretsThe actual costs
Situationships are sometimes defended as having all the benefits of a relationship without the pressure. The problem is that they also tend to produce costs that aren't often acknowledged clearly:
Chronic low-level anxiety
The ambiguity that makes a situationship feel low-pressure also tends to produce a background hum of uncertainty — wondering where you stand, what they're doing when they don't text back, whether this is going anywhere. That anxiety is a real cost that compounds over time.
Blocked investment elsewhere
Most people in situationships are less actively dating others — because they're emotionally occupied. If the situationship isn't going anywhere, this represents time and opportunity cost that isn't always visible until the situation ends.
Asymmetric pain on exit
Because the relationship was never defined, its end is often treated as nothing to process. "We weren't even official." But for the person who wanted more, the loss is real regardless of what it was called. Grief without a recognised framework is grief without support.
Why modern dating makes ambiguity worse
Our guide to how apps and culture have structurally increased dating ambiguity — and what to do about it.
If you want more from it: what to actually do
The conversation most people avoid having is simpler than it feels. You don't need a formal "relationship talk." You need to say, clearly and without the framing being a demand: what you're looking for, and whether this is moving in that direction.
State what you want, not what you need the other person to want
"I'm at a point where I want something more defined" is different from "I need you to commit to me." The first expresses your own position. The second puts them on trial. The first gives them the chance to respond honestly. The second puts them on the defensive.
Be prepared to actually hear the answer
The reason most people avoid this conversation is fear of a clear no. But a clear no — as brutal as it feels in the moment — ends the ambiguity and gives you your time back. It's categorically better than six more months in a situation that isn't giving you what you need.
Treat a non-answer as an answer
If the response to "I'd like this to be more defined" is deflection, vague reassurance, or another promise of "soon" — that is an answer. Not a yes. Act accordingly.
If you're genuinely happy with it
Not everyone in a situationship is unhappy in it. Some people are — at this particular point in their life — genuinely not looking for a committed relationship, and a situationship reflects that honestly. If both people are truly aligned on what they want, the absence of a formal label isn't inherently a problem.
The test is whether you can say with reasonable confidence that both of you would describe this the same way. If that confidence is uncertain — if part of you suspects they might want more, or that you do — it's not mutual.
For more on how situationships often end in ghosting rather than a clear conclusion, or on what actually characterises a healthy committed relationship to help you clarify what you're comparing against, both of those articles are relevant here.
If you're ready to stop tolerating ambiguity, LoveCertain was built specifically to produce clarity — we match on compatibility, everyone has skin in the game, and the 90-day structure creates useful time pressure in the right direction.
The Certain Letter
Weekly: relationship research, dating realities, no inspiration quotes.
Related reading
Ghosting: Why People Do It and How to Handle It
Modern Dating Culture
How Modern Dating Has Changed (and What Actually Works)
Modern Dating Culture
What Actually Makes a Good Relationship
Relationship Psychology
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Related: Benching, Zombieing, and Other Dating Terms Explained.
Related: Intimacy: What It Is (and How to Build More of It).
Related: 12 Signs of Secure Attachment (And Why You Might Have More Than You Think).
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